Back to business/He-Man vs. Prince Adam, why bother?

Alright, not so brief, but today we begin anew! And before [no one] asks, no, I haven't been playing GT5 this whole time. Further, since I posted last, Modern Family's been around so long that I think I'm about 25% tired of that as well, so things have come full circle. Either way, today we'll be moving forward for the first time in a while - but first a look back!

When I sat down to resurrect this blog today, I was debating whether I should delete my old posts or just keep going. Obviously I decided on the latter. But, in reviewing my posts, I came across an unpublished draft that I'd forgotten about. It made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it with you as the final artifact of the old blog before I move on. So, without further ado, I submit to you an article about He-Man (that I wrote in 2010):

So... I've started watching He-Man lately (the original from 1983, not any of these fancy new incarnations) and, lest you get distracted later by trying to figure out why, I'll preempt your question by explaining that I missed out on a lot of 'classic' shows when I was a kid and, as someone who prides himself on his knowledge of pop culture, thought this was a could opportunity to fill in some gaps.

Also you can blame watching all of Robot Chicken this past week if you're still searching for answers.

In any case, now that that's out of the way, I've got something I just have to bring up: why does Prince Adam/He-Man bother with a secret identity at all?

Bypassing the obvious complaints (ie Adam and He-Man are identical save for their hair color and their radically differing clothed-to-unclothed-ratio), I really in all honesty want to know: who cares? Certainly it's nothing the show's addressed thus far (though, to be fair, it's a kid's show so it's to be expected that certain notions of plot continuity and explanation are left by the wayside - plus, it's not like there was a specific 'origin episode' wherein, one might expect, this would be explained. No, instead we're treated to the back-story - at least to the extent that it exists - at the beginning of every episode).

Fearing I might have missed something, I turned to the Legendary Bastion of Infallible Knowledge (wikipedia) to see if it could tell me and where I discovered the following: "To protect his family, He-Man keeps his double identity secret, sharing the knowledge only with Orko, Man-At-Arms, Cringer/Battle Cat and the Sorceress."

Okay, so some kind of Spider-Man situation here? I can dig it - no, wait a minute, I can't:

Let's start by acknowledging that out of all the residents of Eternia - which, aside from Skeletor and his lot, seem to consist of seven people (besides Adam and, I suppose, the occasional band of guards - or She-Ra if your brain damage is to be believed), are you telling me that over half of them know Adam is He-Man? And I thought super hero movies were bad, where they're always tooling around without their helmets? You know, what I mean right? Ever notice how at least one person learns Batman's secret identity per movie or Spider-Man loses his mask for whole battles at a time? I'm sure they'll claim it's because they want to actually see the actor or some other feeble excuse but, seriously, in the comics these folks have kept their secrets for literally decades and in the movies their masks (not to mention their whole costumes occasionally - of which the worse offender is Doctor Doom) are flying off all the time. But I digress...

And three of the four are the most useless denizens of Eternia: Man-At-Arms, Orko, and Cringer (or, as I like it think of him, Whinger)? We'll accept the Sorceress as somewhat useful as she ostensibly gave Adam his powers but I can't think of three other less useful people to populate a kingdom, much less entrust your secret identity to. How useless Man-At-Arms and Orko are. Whinger's only useful because of the powers he gets from the sword - couldn't they use it on the other two as well? Doubt they can keep a secret under duress.

In any case, my quandary becomes apparent when we look at things from a different angle: Who doesn't know Adam is He-Man? 1. His parents, King Randor and Queen Marlena; and Teela. His parents basically spend the whole series thinking Adam is useless (wouldn't it be nice to clear up that misconception) and Teela's job is to protect Adam. If they knew he was He-Man, both groups could put their time to more productive use.

Finally, the wiki claims that the purpose of the secret identity is to protect his family. Well guess what? 99% of the time, Skeletor is attacking Adam and his family anyway so this plan has completely failed. Better to turn into He-Man and not turn back. And, if She-Ra happens to be existent at the time, same goes for her. And then, guess what? I bet Skeletor's gonna think twice before attacking his family again. Another perk is Whinger doesn't spend his whole time whining when in Battle Cat mode so, so much the better again. Plus, wouldn't it be nice if Adam's parents could be proud of him for a change?

Indeed, in the end, it's not like He-Man spends his time hanging around schools/hospitals (or, in general, civilians) like Peter Parker does, so it's largely irrelevant where he is/who he's with when Skeletor comes after him. Unlike Aunt May, Adam's family are Feudal lords (or something similar we can only assume) and have a standing army to protect them. So basically, there is no reason to waste our time with this at all.